Category Archives: Sunday Times

I lie to myself.

Week 30 – For a long time, I’ve fooled myself into thinking there are two types of mom’s in this world: career-oriented mom’s and stay-at-home mom’s.

To make matters worse, I’ve continually told myself that I would never be good at being a “stay-at-home” mom, and that I belonged in the career-oriented category.

I’m here to say – I’ve been lying to myself.

I’ve been killing myself trying to fit into this “career-oriented” mold.

I’ve been neglecting my home life, my family, my marriage, my kids, myself – and making it all okay. Because, let’s face it, I’m not cut out to be “that kind” of mom.

Enough is enough.

I am just a mom, struggling to find purpose, maintain order and provide security. A hugely daunting task, really. A task through which I am continually losing myself, over and over.

It is easy for me to find the validation I’m looking for – in my career. There is reward and satisfaction that comes along with working hard outside of the home – the amount of work I pour into it seems to pay off. No, it definitely doesn’t add anything to the paycheck, but it’s sustained my self-worth up until this point.

It’s not cutting it anymore. At the end of the day, I am coming home to a house full of half-empty cups, relationships needing more attention, matters half-dealt with demanding more time.

It’s like I’m slowly beginning to wake up.

My kids are getting older. The phase of toddler-dom that is all-consuming, exhausting and self-sacrificing, is coming to an end for me. Hindsight is arriving, sure to disappoint me as it always does.

In the moment, the choices I make always seem like the right ones. Why does hindsight always have to present itself after the fact? For once, it would be handy to have the information it brings – BEFOREHAND.

I foolishly thought that after preschool, once the job of parenting and educating my children became one shared with the public school system, things were going to get easier. Is it possible, as I look around at this mass chaos I am leaving behind every morning – switching my, “there is no way I can do this” mom hat, for my much-preferred, “teacher of the year” one, is it possible that my children are needing me now more than ever?

A really hard pill to swallow. Something’s gotta change…

Maybe I can start by eliminating this “career-oriented” vs. “stay-at-home” debate that has been playing on a loop in my head since I became a mom 11 years ago.

Be kind to yourself, moms.

Happy Birthday Mom.

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“A mother would have been always present. A mother would have been a constant friend; her influence would have been beyond all other.” – Northanger Abbey.

Mom

This is my mom. Isn’t she beautiful? A candid moment captured at my wedding. She has her granddaughter in her arms and her own mother looking across the table at the two of them. I’m so thankful for this picture. (Thank you Justina Phippen Photography)! It also makes me realize how few pictures I have of my mother. That needs to change.

Today’s my mom’s birthday. Happy Birthday Mom! In honour of that, it would be my pleasure to share 5 of the most important life lessons I have learned from her. Of course, I have learned so much, I could be making a list of 100 things… but I’ve narrowed it down to the 5 that have shaped me and stuck with me the most as I’ve entered into my own journey through motherhood.

1. Follow Your Dreams.

My mother has shown me that being a mother is all about helping your children find their own path, and supporting them in it no matter how it makes us feel. Over and over again she has proven this to me, as I know I have made a lot of choices she wouldn’t necessarily have agreed with, except she knew — these were my choices; my dreams. She has been my biggest supporter through everything – having Gigi, my relationship with K, finishing school, moving to Calgary… I know she had strong opinions about it all (and that’s only an assumption, she was so careful never to share them with me). Instead of casting a shadow on my choices, she chose to lift me up in each of them, bringing out the best of me and giving me the strength to pursue each one, even when it meant her grandchildren moving across the country.

2. Be Positive.

We are all dealt challenges throughout our lives. Only now, as a mother myself, am I finally getting a glimpse into the challenges my mother has had to face and the ones she is facing now. I would never have known otherwise, but I am now blessed to be able to call her one of my closest friends, switching the gears from a strictly mother/daughter relationship to one of friends. I am thankful for her honesty, and that, as friends, she is able to share with me in her trials, as I’ve always shared with her in mine. Because of this, I am able to see how she exudes positivity. I understand how important it is not to let our challenges dictate our worldview. This doesn’t mean we have to live our lives pretending to be perfect, but be upfront about the difficult hands we’re being dealt, and show how we refuse to let them get us down. I only hope my children see this in me someday, where they can sit back and say, “you went through that? But you were always so happy… I never would have known.”

3. Listen, Really listen.

This could be my favourite. By listen, I mean with your ears, as well as with your eyes and your heart. That’s how she listens. She’s very careful to really hear me. She takes into account my feelings before giving her opinion. She has this uncanny ability to know when to say something, and when not to. I think she gets this from HER mother. I desperately hope I’ve inherited this.

4. Work Hard to Play Hard.

This is the one I have trouble living in. I think my generation is guilty of getting a lot of things EASILY, and not having to work for much. My mother shows me how rewarding it can be to work hard. She rarely stops, even when I tell her to. She can’t. She doesn’t know how. But she knows what’s important. And she knows how to enjoy life. She seems to live in these little moments that sit within hard work. Sunny days, a lake-side breeze, her grandchildren’s smiles… all of her hard work makes these moments worth it. Boy, do I want to live like that.

5. Take Care of Yourself.

My mom wants to be around for us for as long as she is able. I am in awe of how proactive she is about it all. She really takes care of herself, and I can only dream of being like her. Exercising, eating right, testing for this, that and the other thing… I can’t keep track. But I know she is doing it to be on top of her health. She takes care of herself so she can keep taking care of us, and I can’t think of a better reason than that.

Happy Birthday mom. Thank you for being you, everyday. I love you.

I’ll have the cupcakes ready to eat by 6:00.
The kids will be thrilled to blow out the candles for you over Skype… and even more thrilled to eat a cupcake in your honour. 

Wish you were here everyday. Oh wait, you are. In me.

To wish was to hope and to hope was to expect. – Sense and Sensibility

This is one thing I am most guilty of – having expectations. It’s easily done, unconsciously done, but boy is it dangerous. Expectations unknowingly creep up on you where you don’t even realize you have them until you are disappointed by them. I refuse to be disappointed by expectations anymore.

In an age of Pinterest, Facebook and Instagram – expectations are the worst. We are constantly “looking” into the lives of not only our neighbours but of perfect strangers. We see what they have – children, clothes, vacations, homes, cars, careers… and we are reminded of what we are missing.

If we maintain our focus on what we see them having… we unintentionally begin to wish for things, hope for things, and develop expectations for these things. Unhappiness is quickly invited into our hearts, wishing for the life we see others enjoying and think we deserve.

This is easily prevented – first, avoid social media. Okay, okay – that’s a tricky one… I’ll be the first to say how much I love social media. Then, we must keep in mind that the “life” we present on social media, isn’t always an accurate reflection of our lives at all. We are knowingly presenting ourselves in a very specific/purposeful way. It’s not that we want people to look at our lives and say – I want what they have… perpetuating that cycle of unfulfilled expectations (well, maybe someone out there does…). We just naturally  want to showcase the BEST parts of us.

Once we can stop attaching “wishes, hopes, and expectations” onto the social representations of our friends and followers, we can start looking inward – where we should be maintaining our focus anyway.

Spend your time looking at the things you already have, and being thankful for them.

My closest friend showed me an app, stop me if you’ve heard it: Gratitude 365.
Everyday, you are given free reign to jot down a little note to yourself about the things you are thankful for – even add a photo. My favourite part? Swipe to the right and you’ll get to see all of the things you’ve been thankful for set up in a nice (hopefully long) list. I’ve just started using this app. Each day in the month of February, I’ve been writing down one thing I’m thankful for and it’s really getting me to think “outside of the box”, as I’m trying not to repeat a “gratitude”.

Don’t get me wrong here, we are constantly and automatically creating expectations for ourselves, and will continue to do so. But, IF we can make ourselves aware of these expectations, we’ll be able to see them coming… and the disappointment that comes with not meeting those expectations, will hopefully become more of a… whoops! what was I thinking? I can’t run before I walk — or my favourite analogy, which probably exists and if not I made it up: I’m JUST keeping my head above water, how in the WORLD do I expect myself to WALK on it!? There’s only one guy I know that can do that! (That’s been doing the trick for me).

Hope you all have a great week – and that’s a week without expectations.

Nobody minds having what is too good for them. – Mansfield Park.

Today is my husbands birthday – so in honour of that, I’ve decided to embarrass him with a terrible display of affection, and reveal 10 of the most intimate reasons as to what makes him so special.

Why I Love My Husband:

1. He’s my voice of reason.

No matter what, I can talk to him about anything and expect an honest answer in return. He doesn’t have the capacity to be a phony. He will always tell it like it is… which occasionally drives me crazy, but I can appreciate it most days (if not in the moment, I’m always thanking him after the fact)!

2. He works so hard.

A dedicated husband, father and an amazing friend, he busts his bottom for the people he loves. He is constantly putting his needs/wants on the back burner. This year has been a big one with the arrival of our baby boys, and I can’t imagine the challenge of having to balance his time between his work and his family.

3. He knows me and still loves me.

I am not perfect and he knows it. He loves me for my imperfections. He knows the ins and outs of me more than anyone else on this planet. From my worst habits to my best features; my hopes, dreams and worries. He accepts me for everything that I am, which is more than I can even say for myself.

4. He takes out the garbage.

Which is not something I enjoy. One of my most favourite sights to behold, is my husband getting rid of the garbage. That, and him washing the dishes. And he washes a MEAN dish.

5. He’s passionate about our family.

We are his everything, and he lets it show. A beaming, proud father and a doting husband. After a hard day where I’m left questioning both my purpose and my sanity, he will walk into the door and embrace our chaos with a huge smile and open arms. Instantly, I’m refocused. His passion is contagious.

6. He’s neat.

This is a big one – I don’t know if we would survive as a family without this one. And I don’t mean neat in the 1950’s way of saying he’s a “neat” guy. He’s neat and tidy. He likes things a certain way and definitely has a standard. Although, four children and a very messy wife is messing with that standard and blurring the lines of what is acceptable. I am the exact opposite of neat, borderline unbearable, so I am thankful everyday for his neatness.

7. He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty.

This one kind of goes along with #4 and taking out the trash, but whatever it is, he’s game. Diapers, dishes, laundry, putting babies to sleep, changing sheets, cleaning up vomit — you name it, he’s done it. And I love watching him do it. He is an amazing hands-on dad. He leaves me wondering on a daily basis, HOW DOES HE DO IT?!

8. He’s a human jungle gym. 

Yes my husband is a big kid. As much as that CAN send me off  the deep-end… I am thankful for it. Being silly with him is the funnest part of having him around. Hanging out as a family, it doesn’t keep much to be entertained. He’ll throw our kids in the air, twirl them upside down or chase them up and down the street… and he’ll make it look easy.

9. He’s darn cute.

What can I say… we all know where babies come from. We have had this undeniable chemistry since we met… and it doesn’t seem to be going away (4 kids later). He still gives me butterflies in my tummy.

10. He wants me to be happy – whatever that means. 

He is more in tune with what I need than I even am. He encourages me to live passionately and to seek out my interests. He wants me to be “me” first… whether that be an extra long shower, an annoying blog I spend way too much time writing on, or a day trip in Banff with a girlfriend to “let off steam”. He lets me pick what TV show we watch after the kids are in bed, he gives me the good pillow to sleep with, he makes me coffee, he lets me hide in our bedroom to read my novel on a Saturday afternoon… He never questions me whenever I go a little overboard at the mall and never buys himself anything… He loves me. He doesn’t expect anything – which is so much more than I will ever deserve.

…did I mention he’s darn cute? 

Thanks for being you, my dear husband – this thing we call life would be so dull without you by my side…

Happy Birthday!

Our scars make us know that our past was for real. – Pride and Prejudice.

One year ago, today – February 13th, my water broke. I was 28 weeks pregnant with my boys. Which, in the world of pProm and high-risk pregnancy, is actually a pretty good number…

Today is a day I will never forget – one that plays on repeat in my head.

If you’d like to relive this day with me – reread about it here: pProm with Twins.

Thinking back, there’s so much more I’m wishing I would have taken note of, in the fog that was trying to stay pregnant with my babies…

I wish I could remember names.

The name of my favourite nurse who would sit with me and tell me her stories about non-stress tests gone wrong, and her theories about chinooks and ruptured membranes…

The name of the nurse who was working non-stop to get me home to Calgary from Regina as soon as she could… And sought me out in labour and delivery just so she could put a face to my name…

The names of the 3 other ladies flown out of province on Feb. 14th, out of which I was the only one who stayed pregnant and returned to Calgary pregnant… We could have totally started a support group for ourselves – I picture us getting together once a year for coffee to reminisce on our experience – something that will never really happen… But I will dream about every year.

The names of my roommates – I had two during my stay… And both for less than 24 hours each:

The first, when I was admitted on Feb. 13, a mom from 2 hours south of Calgary, flown out of her home with preeclampsia… She had two little girls at home missing her. I was lucky enough to reunite with her in the NICU. She delivered her boy 4 days after I flew to Regina. She was 24 weeks pregnant.

The second, when I had returned to Calgary from Regina, a first-time mom from 2 hours north of Calgary. I know so much less about her… She had our room full of family for a few hours that day. It seemed only moments after they left that she was buzzing the nurse… practically delivering her baby boy as they tried to transport her to labour and delivery… She was only 22 weeks. They had admitted her this time after sending her home a week earlier… What I wouldn’t give to know her baby was ok… I held my belly for a long time after she left. What I wouldn’t give to hold my belly one more time…

I wish I could let all of these women know what they meant to me, how they’ve unknowingly changed me, shaped me as a mother and a woman.

Instead, I’ll settle for carrying them with me as scars on my heart.

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Let me persuade you to follow my example and take a turn about the room – I assure you it’s very refreshing after sitting so long in one attitude. – Pride and Prejudice

I do not like Mondays. Mondays are my LEAST favourite days. After “relaxing” all weekend (and by relaxing I mean – only leaving the house when I want, not when I have to) you are thrown back into the weekly grind of it all. My kids are no exception. School days take a lot out of them and we all pay for it at the end of the day. As excited as I am to get them off the bus and hear all about their day, they are significantly less so. The short walk from the bus stop to the house is (3 days out of 5) spent mediating an argument or two… or five.

My saving grace? We’ve started a ritual before entering the house after school. When we are having a mood – feeling grumpy, sad, mad – we make a point of leaving that bad attitude outside. Me included. We think up the most elaborate, silly, exaggerated way possible for us to pull that attitude out of us and get rid of it forever. This includes, but is definitely not limited to, shaking it out of our hair, throwing it as far as we can, spitting it out, smashing it or stomping all over it. It’s done wonders (for me too – it’s amazing how much better I feel after jumping around and being silly). Our afternoons have been completely transformed. Does the attitude occasionally slip inside with us? Naturally. What do we do? I send them back out to get rid of it all over again.

Here’s hoping we all have a great week – week going not so great? Try to leave it outside.

I have not the pleasure of understanding you. – Pride and Prejudice

As a parent of four children (officially – I’ve counted them several times over. I assure you there is still four of them… as much as I keep pinching myself), you’d think I’d have it all figured out. Right? Maybe? Not really?… Not at all.

The most incredible thing about being a parent, is not in what you teach them, but in what they teach you. It is easy to compare them to each other, to yourself, to your siblings, to your parents… they have so-and-so’s eyes, but with such-and-such’s spirit… and I have no idea WHO he gets that HAIR from… it’s fun even – to guess who they will turn into as they grow old.

The amazing thing about it is that, ultimately, they will be like no one else, they will be them, an individual.. and that makes it so challenging.

Each one of my children needs me in a different way. Yes, yes, fundamentally they all need me the same. But, fundamentally, if every child needed their mother in the same way as another, there wouldn’t be an entire section of the book store devoted to parenting. There would be one book. And it would be easier (note: I did not say easy… I said easier).

As I get to know each of my children, I realize more and more how much I won’t be able to understand them. I have my own scope, vision, point of view that keeps getting in the way. The minute your children are born – heck, the minute your children are conceived – you begin to develop this “understanding” of who you think they are going to be. But it’s not who they are or who they will become… and that’s the hardest.

This week, instead of wishing for the pleasure of understanding, I’m hoping to let go and spend my time ignoring my misconceptions and appreciate the little people I’m getting to know (dare I say, searching for and living in the serendipity of what I am learning). I wish the same for all of you.

Here’s my amazing husband…
…dreaming up the lives of each of our precious ones.

“Seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken.” – Emma.

Zach turned 5 in December. All of a sudden, he’s become this crazy consumer – every marketers dream. Anything he see’s on television is a good idea.

Which is why… taco hockey happened. Yes, I said “taco hockey”. Oh, the things we do for our kids. Continue reading →

“I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle.” – Pride and Prejudice.

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I was skyping with my family a couple of weeks ago. It was a Saturday morning and Caleb was out playing some pick-up hockey. It was me and the 4 kids.

My brother asks me, “what are you up to?”, or something along those lines, and I respond with my typical answer, “oh nothing much.” My mom laughs and says, “like taking care of 4 kids is nothing.” It was then that I realized how much the meaning of the word nothing has changed.

Doing nothing before kids:

Sleeping in until noon, staying in your pyjamas, drinking hot coffee, eating leftover pizza on the couch while watching a marathon of chick flicks.

Doing nothing after kids:

Sleeping in until 8, staying in your pyjamas, changing diapers, taking orders, making breakfast, pouring juice, giving orders, stealing a bite for yourself, sitting on the floor with the babies while watching the veggie tales episode you’ve seen 10 times before on Netflix. Oh, and the coffee is usually cold.

I had fooled myself into thinking that Saturday mornings have never changed. It was an actual revelation when I realized they have! Doing nothing now, just means putting myself last.

I’m not meaning to – put myself last that is. I’ve just been attempting to continue the tradition of Saturday morning nothing… Not realizing that tradition has long passed.

Now that I know, I’m going to strive for a different kind of Saturday morning.

It feels amazing to be freshly showered and looking good, ready for the day… I feel like I can conquer the world – and my responsibilities at home can be much more enjoyed, rather than viewed as invading on my “doing nothing” day.

It’s ok to put yourself first. It’s ok to put yourself first. It’s ok to put yourself first.

I’m going to start practicing selfishness, for the sake of my family…

If I feel good, I’ll have more fun with my kids, I’ll appreciate our time together more, I’ll be more of the mom they deserve.

As a bonus: When they see me feeling good – they notice. I’m modelling for them what it looks like to take care of yourself, something they deserve to see.

As we finish up another work week, and look forward to another Saturday morning – feel free to do nothing, just don’t forget to put yourself first… I will be – with a hot shower, hot cup of coffee, and sweatpants. Did I forget to mention that sweatpants are my new nothing?

“It isn’t what we say or think that defines us, but what we do.” – Sense and Sensibility.

A New Year brings a fresh start and a lot of resolutions.

The queen of to-do lists, I would have no problem making a list of all of the things I would love to do differently this year. I could probably add to it on the daily.

Resolutions have the potential to be great – as long as we can take the resolute thoughts and words and turn them into actions.

I can say all the right things, I can think all the right things… But when it comes down to actually DOING those things, I tend to fall short. Continue reading →