Category Archives: Sunday Times

“But people themselves alter so much, that there is something new to be observed in them for ever.”  – Pride and Prejudice

When you’re a child, you dream of the day you will grow up and become an adult. In adulthood you long for the days when you were a child. It’s amazing how difficult it really is to live in the “now” – appreciating who we are in this moment. As human beings we are in this weird “state of constant change” – changing little by little everyday – even though the change is basically unrecognizable from one day to the next. Continue reading →

If I could but know his heart, everything would become easy. – Sense and Sensibility.

I’ll warn you now – this post is heart-felt and sappy.
Read at your own risk.

9.5 years ago I was introduced to a boy – he was celebrating his 18th birthday. I casually wished him a “happy birthday” and went on with my evening, catching the odd glance in passing, with nothing more. I had no idea I was just introduced to my future. Continue reading →

There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves.
– Emma.

It’s getting to be that time of year. As much as we don’t want to admit it, summer will be coming to an unofficial close (first day of fall isn’t until September 23rd) and kids will be going back to school. *Cue the girl on the commercial screaming at the first fallen leaf.* I’ll be honest – I can’t lie to you, it was always my favourite time of year. Continue reading →

Run mad as often as you choose; but do not faint. – Love and Friendship novella.

My husband came home from work one day last week to find me in my glory; writing on this blog. He glanced around and happened to notice the neglected dishes, unswept floors and …worst of all… my unkempt hair. I noticed him noticing and instantly felt guilty, expecting and feeling deserving of the third degree. What did I get instead? A smile. I attempted to apologize for the state of things, he stopped me. We started talking about the blog. Caleb confessed that at first, he thought I was crazy for starting this – a time suck, something to add to an already full plate. Then, he thought about me. And knowing me the way he does, he realized how much I really need this. He went as far to say, and I quote, “It’s keeping you sane.” I realized, he was right.

I am a mother in the generation of helicopter parents, overscheduled children, and two-income families. There is this societal pressure put on us to do it all; not only to BE perfect, but to be SEEN as perfect. An impossible task. The funny thing is, we know this societal pressure exists and yet we accept it. Why? We are choosing to run mad! We want to be accepted by others, so we strive to meet this standard… but striving to meet this standard only makes us unhappy because we will never achieve it.

And what becomes of these unhappy mothers who can’t seem to achieve the impossible standard society sets for them? They faint.

Something we can do for ourselves, for our kids, for our marriage — stop CHOOSING to run mad. There is so much out there that is PUSHING us into madness… why make it any easier?  

Let’s sit down and think about what’s really important.

Feeling guilty for not accomplishing what I thought Caleb would have expected from me, what I have pressured myself into expecting — I’m giving in to that societal pressure. This blog – my sanity – is my way of avoiding the faint, my way of reflecting on what’s really important, a reminder to PUSH BACK the other way.

Thank you for reading – from the bottom of my heart – I am humbled and delighted to have you with me as I try to figure out how to keep myself, my kids, my husband, all from running mad.

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Catherine’s expectations of pleasure from her visit in Milsom-street were so very high, that disappointment was inevitable; – Northanger Abbey

Expectations. We all have them. Just yesterday, I expected to put the babies down for a nap in the morning, grab a hot cup of coffee, sit down and write this post. Hmmm… that didn’t happen at all how I expected it would. I’m beginning to think having expectations is like setting yourself up for failure. Unrealistic expectations anyway. The problem is – in the moment, I don’t feel that my expectations are unrealistic. Maybe there’s something to not having any expectations at all…

Expectations for Yourself. I am the QUEEN of to-do lists. I love making them, and often make more than one… you know, the first one is the rough copy, then I’ve got to make a good copy that’s pretty to the eye. The satisfaction that comes with crossing something off a to-do list, there’s nothing like it. But, the longer it takes me to cross things off, the more tempting it is to re-write my list altogether. Expecting myself to accomplish everything in a short amount of time, leaves me frustrated.

A typical day: Caleb will come home and ask about our day, and frustratingly all I can say is – “well I didn’t accomplish anything on my to-do list.” When really, there is so much more to our day than that. Zach and Hailey put on yet another  “show” for me, I got both of the twins laughing simultaneously, the babies finally fell asleep for two full hours and I spent that time doing damage control on the house, spending the last half hour snuggling on the couch with the big kids. Hmm… sounds like a pretty perfect day to me. So why was I so frustrated by the time Caleb walked in the door?

Realistically, I need to be choosing one thing on my to-do list, and setting that as my goal for the day. Obviously, we have the everyday that needs to be accomplished – the kids need to be fed, diapers need to be changed… but I may or may not have a shower… the laundry may or may not get folded and put away… supper may or may not be ready when Caleb is home from work… instead of feeling frustrated about it, I’m slowly starting to convince myself – it’s ok.

Expectations for Your Spouse. This is an easy one. It’s interesting how I’ve been able to easily have less expectations for Caleb and yet I’m having a harder time having less expectations for me. I’ve found, the more expectations you set on your spouse, the more unhappy with them you will be. If you are expecting them to do the dishes after supper, and they don’t, you feel disappointed, mad and sad. If your expecting them to put the kids to bed, and they come up 20 minutes after bedtime with a storybook in hand, you’re thinking, it’s about time.

Take away those expectations: You get up from the table to do the dishes. You start filling the sink and look over to find your spouse with the load of wash you had been meaning to fold all day. He’s sitting with the kids, showing them how to fold a t-shirt while they are playing the “sock sorting game”.  After you’re done washing the dishes, you bring the kids upstairs to brush their teeth and put on their pyjamas. Just as they are crawling into bed, your spouse comes in with a storybook in his hand.

Is there a better feeling?! Instead of feeling disappointed or frustrated wondering if he’s ever going to do anything to help you, you’re surprised and can’t help but feel grateful. What’s more – when you stop focusing on what your spouse is NOT doing, you have so much more time to work on bettering yourself.

Expectations for Your Kids. This one is the trickiest. Our children need to know their limits and need to have a standard of behaviour. Our children need us to set expectations – but they need to be healthy ones, children are incredibly hard on themselves, and the last thing you want to do is to set them up for failure and affect their self-esteem.

The expectations we set for our children need to be conducive to their individual development. This is a tricky one for me. Hailey is such an old soul – I have to constantly remind myself that she is 7. If I don’t, I’m expecting her to be able to control her emotions as I do, rather than as a 7 year old is able to. As a result, I instantly feel frustrated when she is behaving in a way I don’t expect.

I’m a huge believer in self-regulation. I am definitely no dictator over my children, I’m here to act as their partner, guiding them and providing them with the skills necessary to monitor their own behaviour. In this way, I am able to put the expectation of behaviour into their own hands. I’m definitely more patient with them because of this, we can sit and talk about their behaviour, how they felt they acted, and help them figure out what they would do differently next time. It’s so satisfying hearing the words come out of their own little mouths, “I need to use my words to tell Hailey to stop” instead of me having to harp at them, “Use your words! Use your words!” .

The expectations we set for our children need to be process-based, rather than focused on an outcome. As long as they are doing their best and focused on their task, they are fulfilling the expectation. Something we have started to do in our house after supper, is to have the big kids take turns wiping the table and sweeping the floor. Basically, we wanted to make them more aware as to how unbelievably messy they are when they are eating their supper. Obviously, they are not going to be able to do as complete a job as Caleb or I would do. Sometimes, it can be absolutely excruciating to try and watch them manoeuvre that broom. But, as long as they are trying their best, they’ve fulfilled my expectation and as a bonus, they try to contain their mess as they eat, knowing they will be cleaning it up.

I think the most important thing about setting expectations for our kids, is to not set expectations that we wouldn’t follow. A “do as I say not as I do” issue. Having an expectation for them to use a calm body and talking voice while we have frustrated bodies and are yelling at them?… Having an expectation for them to keep their room clean, while our room is messy – guilty! I am by far the messy one in my relationship. But, to my kids I am human, I openly talk to them about what I feel I should do differently – regulating my own behaviour and at the same time modelling how to do so in themselves.

Expectations for Your Baby. You’ve gotten through the worst of it, or so you think. After weeks and weeks of waking every few hours, your baby starts sleeping through the night. The first time it happens, you wake up wondering if they’re still breathing. Then, as it continues, you start waking up, thankful for a good night’s sleep. But expectations slowly sneak their way in. You start staying up a little later in the evening, expecting your baby to sleep through the night. Until they don’t, because they won’t. And how do you feel? Frustrated and disappointed.

Having baby on a routine or schedule is definitely important, at least for me it is – we all do what works for us don’t we? But, when we expect that our baby is going to adhere to their routine “by the book” every single day, you are looking for disappointment. Without the expectation, you are grateful in the moments that they ARE following their routine, but you’re a little more understanding when they don’t – saving you from frustration, able to enjoy those precious baby moments that never seem to last long enough.

With all that said – 

This morning I woke up with no expectations. And wouldn’t you know it? It’s 10:00am – the babies are asleep, the big kids are finished their breakfast, and I’m here, writing this post, with a hot cup of coffee in hand; babies following their routine, and my goal for the day complete.

Have a great week!

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If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. – Emma

Another quote from her novel, “Emma”. This time – these words belong to Mr. Knightley, as he is finally declaring his love for Emma.

I know this is true for me. When I feel passionately about something or someone, I have a hard time expressing myself -perhaps out of fear:  fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of  the repercussions that may follow; perhaps it boils down to genetics or its just something I’ve unintentionally learned to do, picking it up along the way.

Even worse, when my passion involves a circumstance that is difficult to handle or understand, “talking about it” can be downright out of the question, making me way too vulnerable for my taste.

Communicating these difficult moments goes against our very human nature. We live in this world of instant gratification – we are looking to feel good, right now and stay that way. We stuff the difficult down and ignore it – hoping to forget and carry on feeling good, as we were.  Unfortunately for us, at least for me, NOT communicating is only a short-term solution. There is something to all this “talking”. So, what is it for me?

Well, the inside of my head looks a little like rush-hour traffic.  At any given moment, I have 4 or 5 different thoughts starting and stopping. You have the emergency vehicles who need to get through – the thoughts that take precedence – our kids needs, the to-do lists and the grocery lists. The thoughts that are left behind – trapped in the far left-hand lane with no exit in sight – are usually the ones I don’t want to think about.

The appeal to communicate these thoughts for me is this: forcing them out and letting them be my focus for more than a fleeting second, my thoughts tend to organize themselves a lot better. Because of that, I usually gain a new perspective on the subject. Feeling a little more enlightened – I can most definitely learn to deal. Also, it gives to whoever I am communicating a new perspective on me. This is usually my lovingly wonderful husband – who let’s face it, is not a mindreader. Forcing myself to communicate my feelings on a particular subject almost always helps him to better understand where I’m coming from – keeping us on the same page (note: I said, almost always).

Let’s face it, life is not fair. We are all going to experience a time where we feel completely disconnected from the life we had thought we were going to have. But, “it is what it is.” – This became my mantra as we faced each day in the NICU. And it has stuck. We need to understand that as much as we don’t like it, the circumstances won’t change (9 times out of 10). Being able to face it, talk about it, get it out there, will ultimately help us somewhere down the road. I stand firm on this point. If it hasn’t helped you, hold on, keep waiting, God isn’t finished yet. Focus on the little victories while you wait … look for them, they’re everywhere, and there are more of them than you think.

I hope you all have a great week – don’t stop loving, if anything, love harder – let’s just work on talking more.

The parenting dilemma.

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For this week,

Her character depends upon those she is with; but in good hands she will turn out a valuable woman.

– Emma.

The dilemma for any parent. We need to be the “good hands”. We want our children to become “valuable” people. Valuable, that is, in today’s sense, not in Jane Austen’s victorian mindset where being a valuable woman means being valuable in terms of her marriage prospects.

We are given this precious gift of a baby, and it is our responsibility to take that baby and raise them to be all that they possibly can be. An immense responsibility, in my opinion, and here I am, with that responsibility x 4…

Well, ok, so if 1 child is an immense responsibility, what does that mean for the responsibility of 4? Sounds like it will take nothing less than my whole life’s work.  It makes sense now, why my passion is for teaching. I always knew I wanted to teach,  but cashing in my classroom to spend my time with the 4 most important students I would ever have? That was news to me and it’s taking some getting used to.

For any new parent, the ugly side of the world begins to stand out and the world  becomes this scary, harsh place. Our heart instantly wants to protect our children from all of it. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. Our children are going to face challenges, they are going to have defeats as well as triumphs. Our true task as parents, in my opinion, is to equip our children with the necessary tools to be able to handle the challenges that are set to come their way. This is really all we CAN do.

Here is a great little 4-minute video that sums up (in my opinion) our role as parents.

Have a great week!

I shall begin this process by asking…

“Which of all my important nothings shall I tell you first?

– Jane Austen through personal correspondence