If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. – Emma

Another quote from her novel, “Emma”. This time – these words belong to Mr. Knightley, as he is finally declaring his love for Emma.

I know this is true for me. When I feel passionately about something or someone, I have a hard time expressing myself -perhaps out of fear:  fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of  the repercussions that may follow; perhaps it boils down to genetics or its just something I’ve unintentionally learned to do, picking it up along the way.

Even worse, when my passion involves a circumstance that is difficult to handle or understand, “talking about it” can be downright out of the question, making me way too vulnerable for my taste.

Communicating these difficult moments goes against our very human nature. We live in this world of instant gratification – we are looking to feel good, right now and stay that way. We stuff the difficult down and ignore it – hoping to forget and carry on feeling good, as we were.  Unfortunately for us, at least for me, NOT communicating is only a short-term solution. There is something to all this “talking”. So, what is it for me?

Well, the inside of my head looks a little like rush-hour traffic.  At any given moment, I have 4 or 5 different thoughts starting and stopping. You have the emergency vehicles who need to get through – the thoughts that take precedence – our kids needs, the to-do lists and the grocery lists. The thoughts that are left behind – trapped in the far left-hand lane with no exit in sight – are usually the ones I don’t want to think about.

The appeal to communicate these thoughts for me is this: forcing them out and letting them be my focus for more than a fleeting second, my thoughts tend to organize themselves a lot better. Because of that, I usually gain a new perspective on the subject. Feeling a little more enlightened – I can most definitely learn to deal. Also, it gives to whoever I am communicating a new perspective on me. This is usually my lovingly wonderful husband – who let’s face it, is not a mindreader. Forcing myself to communicate my feelings on a particular subject almost always helps him to better understand where I’m coming from – keeping us on the same page (note: I said, almost always).

Let’s face it, life is not fair. We are all going to experience a time where we feel completely disconnected from the life we had thought we were going to have. But, “it is what it is.” – This became my mantra as we faced each day in the NICU. And it has stuck. We need to understand that as much as we don’t like it, the circumstances won’t change (9 times out of 10). Being able to face it, talk about it, get it out there, will ultimately help us somewhere down the road. I stand firm on this point. If it hasn’t helped you, hold on, keep waiting, God isn’t finished yet. Focus on the little victories while you wait … look for them, they’re everywhere, and there are more of them than you think.

I hope you all have a great week – don’t stop loving, if anything, love harder – let’s just work on talking more.

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