Tag Archives: Children

The Evolution of the Date Night

Last night our big kids were both out having a sleepover. What did that mean for Caleb and I? Date night!

Thinking back, it occurred to me how much the definition of “date night” has changed over time. Life sure is funny that way.

Date Night Before Kids:

Anytime you get dressed up and get out of the house – dinner, movie, party…

Date Night After Baby:

Anytime you drop baby off with Grandma and Grandpa to get dressed up and go out – dinner, movie, party…

Date Night With Two Kids:

Anytime you drop the kids off with Grandma and Grandpa. Now, the date includes things like – getting groceries and running errands. You may start arranging a paid babysitter for those “special events” – the movies, dinners and parties (as they are all now planned well in advance).

Date Night With Two Kids and Twins:

Anytime the big kids are out of the house.

This was us last night. What did we do? Went for a walk with the babies, stopped at Subway for dinner (because why would we cook for just the two of us?), came home. We put the twins to bed, poured a glass of wine, queued up Netflix (more specifically, House of Cards), and cuddled on the couch with a blanket, leaving our phones upstairs.

We still have amazing people around us who will take all four of our kids (no paid sitters yet), so don’t get me wrong, we still have our specially “planned-ahead-of-time” dates; those special events – usually revolving around a birthday, anniversary, or something work-related. But it’s just… different.

I know date nights will continue to change as our children inevitably grow – into adolescents… and then teenagers (yikes).

*Envisioned Date Nights with Teenagers:

I’m reminded of the television sitcom, “The Middle.” If you haven’t watched it, you should. I can’t help but relate to the mom’s character. It’s great comic relief, poking fun of the not-so-fun parts of being a middle-class parent.

In one episode, it’s Valentines Day and the parents decide to go out for dinner (their kids all have plans of their own). In one way or another, each of their kids need them for something and by the end of the episode they’re sitting in the restaurant along with their 3 children – date night turned family night. And they realize – they wouldn’t have it any other way.

Funny, life is. Looking back on how our date nights have changed, I only wish I could have had the perspective I have now, in those moments back then. I suppose I feel this way about everything.

If only I could have the perspective on life that I will have when I’ve reached my 80s, granted I get to see them. If only I could have that perspective NOW. How differently I’m sure I would be living my life… my everyday. I’ll never be able to say it enough: Life is funny.

Anxious Child – Anxious Parent

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This weekend will be a big one for the Fricker household.

News Flash: Gigi is going on her first-ever friend sleepover. And I couldn’t be more terrified.

She’s slept away from home plenty of times – one of our closest friends has been taking her for fun sleepovers for as long as I can remember. But that is someone I trust, she trusts; a second mom.

Gigi is THRILLED. She has been counting down the days, the hours, the seconds, until this thing begins. Me? The panic is starting to set in. All of her closest friends from school will be there. She’s been telling me non-stop about all of the fun things they plan on doing. But, my mind is racing – what if? what if? what if? And this little girl… alone and afraid in the dark… is all I can see.

Gigi has endured enough for the little old soul she’s always been. Our transition to Calgary was surprisingly the hardest on her. A lot of insecurities have since surfaced and continue to do so.

It started with school. She never wanted to go. Her Kindergarten year – the kicker being, her mom was working right across the hall, and her brother, hanging out with a bunch of 2 year olds a couple of rooms over. Terrified eyes turned to tears, and she spent the bulk of her mornings trying to pretend to be “ok”.

Then came bedtime. And we quickly realized this was becoming a problem that wasn’t going to go away without a fight. If it was a school night, she would be afraid to fall asleep because she didn’t want to have to wake up and go to school. If there was a special event coming up, she would keep herself up afraid that she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, and be too tired to enjoy the special day. If mom or dad had to go out at bedtime, she would worry we would never come back. If she couldn’t hear us downstairs as she slept upstairs, she would worry we had left her alone.

It definitely affected her socially. At playdates and birthday parties, she would panic at the thought of me leaving her side, bringing herself to tears. The worst part about it was that she knew she was different than her friends. She felt differently than they did, and she hated it. She just wanted to be like them.

In the beginning, I would say things like, “don’t worry Gigi,” and, “why are you so worried?!”. It drove me crazy. But I’ve learned not to ask those questions anymore and as impatient as I still feel about her worries, I will never say those words again.

We were at our wits end, with a professional’s phone number at my fingertips, when I came across this book – “What To Do When You Worry Too Much – A Kids Guide To Overcoming Anxiety” – by Dawn Huebner.

Everyday we would set aside time (15 minutes of strictly, “Worry Time”) and work through this book together. It opened my eyes to an anxiety-ridden world. Together, we turned her worries from these abstract, nonsensical thoughts into a Worry Monster that we were determined to shrink.

She’s learning to separate her worried thoughts from “the truth” and can pin them against each other to overcome her anxiety. We do a lot more asking – and a lot less telling. The questions have changed too… from “why?” to “what is worry telling you?”, “is it true?”, “is that really going to happen?”.

At school, she’s started taking the school bus. There is something about it that’s made everything easier. She needs to make the choice to walk away from us, rather than us walking away and leaving her. The bus driver is waiting for her to get on so they can move on to the next stop, she doesn’t have the luxury to dwell on her worries.

At bedtime, she’s started using the intercom on the phone to call us if she was ever concerned that we weren’t there (a safety behaviour that I’m a little worried could end up doing harm..).

Socially, we’re back at the sleepover. She is becoming a lot more confident when it comes to play dates and birthday parties, although she still rejects more invitations than I would like her to.

Up until now, we have been taking small steps. We are learning to expect these worried thoughts and are gearing up to deal with them head on. We’ve been lucky. We have only come CLOSE to looking into professional help, although I know that may be in the cards for us in the future- it will always stay on my radar.

This sleepover doesn’t seem in keeping with our “small steps”. It’s a leap, a bound even; one I’m not ready to take. But she sure seems to be… And after all, that’s what really matters…right?

Here’s hoping I can get through this sleepover without having to pull out any of Hailey’s worry-squashing strategies… for myself.

Update: After a lot of positive self-talk – she did it. She had a fabulous time – and I quote, “the best night of my life.”

I have not the pleasure of understanding you. – Pride and Prejudice

As a parent of four children (officially – I’ve counted them several times over. I assure you there is still four of them… as much as I keep pinching myself), you’d think I’d have it all figured out. Right? Maybe? Not really?… Not at all.

The most incredible thing about being a parent, is not in what you teach them, but in what they teach you. It is easy to compare them to each other, to yourself, to your siblings, to your parents… they have so-and-so’s eyes, but with such-and-such’s spirit… and I have no idea WHO he gets that HAIR from… it’s fun even – to guess who they will turn into as they grow old.

The amazing thing about it is that, ultimately, they will be like no one else, they will be them, an individual.. and that makes it so challenging.

Each one of my children needs me in a different way. Yes, yes, fundamentally they all need me the same. But, fundamentally, if every child needed their mother in the same way as another, there wouldn’t be an entire section of the book store devoted to parenting. There would be one book. And it would be easier (note: I did not say easy… I said easier).

As I get to know each of my children, I realize more and more how much I won’t be able to understand them. I have my own scope, vision, point of view that keeps getting in the way. The minute your children are born – heck, the minute your children are conceived – you begin to develop this “understanding” of who you think they are going to be. But it’s not who they are or who they will become… and that’s the hardest.

This week, instead of wishing for the pleasure of understanding, I’m hoping to let go and spend my time ignoring my misconceptions and appreciate the little people I’m getting to know (dare I say, searching for and living in the serendipity of what I am learning). I wish the same for all of you.

Here’s my amazing husband…
…dreaming up the lives of each of our precious ones.